Getting my Irish up with the Phils

With the lengthy heat wave we’ve been experiencing in my area recently, I haven’t been too keen on visiting Irish pubs. As much as I love Irish whiskey, it is not my go-to alcoholic beverage when the heat index is pushing into triple digits. And I’m too much of a shanty mick to order anything but the uisce beatha when I’m in an Irish bar. In short, I haven’t been seeing the inside of too many pubs lately.

I did go to a Philadelphia Phillies game the other day when they hosted the San Francisco Giants (Phils won 9-3). I’m not a baseball fan, but some friends invited Mrs. Paddy and I, and we had a great time. Incidentally, it was also Irish heritage night at the ballpark. Plenty of people were wearing Irish-themed shirts, including the green Phillies t-shirt with a shamrock. There was a school dance troupe performing Irish dancing on top of the home team dugout during one of the breaks. The Phanatic got up there and danced with them, which was very amusing.

Before the game, we did stop in to McFadden’s saloon and restaurant. McFadden’s is a pub with a main location in Philadelphia and is very popular with the early twenties crowd. It usually gets mentioned when one asks about Philly Irish pubs even though I saw nothing in the location where it advertised itself as an Irish pub (and it is definitely not one). McFadden’s claim to local fame is that they employ almost entirely a female bar and service staff of the young, leggy, and busty variety. Now, I’m a red-blooded American male and far be it from me to complain about an establishment that is staffed with attractive women. However, having been a bartender for 10 years, there are certainly some drawbacks to the non-Y chromosome bar staff. First of all, hiring someone just on the basis of looks is a bad idea. In my experience, personality and mixology skill are what makes a good bartender. Being easy on the eyes is certainly an asset, but being hot alone does not seal the deal. Forgive my indelicacy, but if a bartender is an incompetent bitch, her big knockers and sharp cheekbones are not going to make me feel good about getting sub-par service. Now before I hear the howls of protest about my latent sexism, let me say that I don’t have anything against female bartenders. I’ve worked with women who can hold down a busy bar just as well as any guy. My beef is with the d-cup dullards who think that wearing hot shorts and 2 pounds of eye make-up is all that counts when tending bar. I also blame the owners and managers who hire based on bra and waist size rather then drink knowledge and customer service skills. Granted, you can teach drink recipes and proper service, but you can’t teach hotness, I get that. But even my wife’s heart sinks when we sit down at a bar and some blank-faced Barbie comes over to serve us. Call us judgmental, but in that situation, neither my wife nor I are going to risk ordering a dry, in-and-out Gibson. We’ll probably get something red with Jager in it.

So, back to McFadden’s. The bar was busy, but staffed with 5-6 bartenders, none of whom seemed to be working very hard. After about 5 minutes of waiting, one of them saw me and took my order. This girl, aside from having her boobs pushed up practically to her chin, seemed practically comatose. Cocaine is usually the dope of choice for bartenders, but this girl looked like she was nodding off on heroin. No smile, no please or thank you; just an impersonal transaction from someone who likely got her job because of her looks. I don’t think the proprietors of these types of places realize the people they turn off because of their hiring practices. Am I against hiring babe-tastic bartenders? No way. I like gorgeous girls like any guy. But there are 2 problems here. The first I touched on before; hotness without personality or good manners is useless in any service industry. Secondly, female patrons feel left out. Some time back, I was working as a bouncer at a nightclub that employed mostly scantily clad ladies behind the bar. A female patron said to me “this is real nice for the guys but what about us girls?” She had a point. If a bar is set on hiring eye candy staff, then make it a two way street. Sexy guys and girls; make everyone happy, including the bar owner. I’ve heard so many bar owners complain that they need to pull in more female customers but they don’t know how. For starters, how about not having an all female bar staff. I’m sure that most women would like to be served by a charming stud then a pin-up princess.

Okay, enough ranting by me on this point. Oh, by the way, even though it was hot and even though McFadden’s is not actually an Irish pub, I still ordered a Jameson. And this was before I knew it was Irish heritage night. Still a shanty mick after all.